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We hold an immense love for our children, often exceeding our love for life itself. We willingly make significant personal and financial sacrifices to ensure our children's well-being. Helping them cope with your divorce should be the first thing on your mind.
However, when spouses are aware that their relationship is encountering difficulties that might culminate in a divorce, it becomes crucial to navigate this process with careful consideration of the children's best interests. How can spouses plan for divorce without losing focus on what is best for their children?
Reducing parental conflicts minimizes stress for children, while heightened conflict exacerbates the challenges of divorce on them.
This article will be divided into two parts:
Planning for a contentious divorce with children can be a challenging process, especially when certain circumstances make an amicable resolution unlikely. Addressing obvious scenarios is essential. If one parent has a history of child abuse, spousal abuse, long-term addiction, or other pervasive shortcomings that impact the parent-child relationship, it is rare for the divorce to be a low-conflict or no-conflict case. In such situations, prioritizing the safety and well-being of the children becomes paramount.
Conflict in divorce is justified when its purpose is to shield the children from harm. It would be unwise to advocate for granting equal parenting time to an abuser, addict, or someone whose behavior poses a potential danger to the children. Unfortunately, there are instances where individuals with such perspectives practice law, resulting in severe repercussions for parents who seek our assistance after undergoing inadequate representation and making regrettable decisions.
However, for those couples not grappling with the aforementioned issues, it is crucial that each spouse approaches the divorce proceedings in a way that minimizes unnecessary stress on the children.
This should be a self-evident consideration, but regrettably, many parents enter into a contentious divorce without a realistic assessment. Immediate agreement on a parenting plan with your spouse is improbable; it might necessitate filing a request for order and, in some cases, even a court hearing.
Even after the court issues orders, there's a possibility that the other parent may not adhere to them. Mentally brace yourself for the potential involvement in the litigation process.
It's advisable to prepare for the possibility of appearing in court. If you find conflict challenging and struggle in high-stress situations, consider seeking a referral to a therapist from your divorce attorney. While your attorney can ready you for litigation and hearings within the courtroom, managing the emotions and stress outside the legal proceedings may benefit from therapeutic support.
It's a given that litigated cases are more expensive than amicable ones. So, why is it that many parents facing a contested divorce find themselves unprepared for the associated costs? Firstly, some fail to educate themselves about the process.
Secondly, some attorneys neglect to adequately inform their clients about the anticipated costs. Actively engage in a conversation with your divorce attorney about the expenses involved, particularly those related to child custody matters. Unless you've hired your attorney on a flat fee for the entire case, they won't be able to predict your exact fees. However, your attorney can provide a general estimate of the cost range at different stages of the process.
For instance:
"Mike, you contacted me today to discuss my request for parenting time with Adam and Peggy. I was troubled by the raised voices and the use of offensive language during our phone conversation. I had hoped for a collaborative effort to establish a parenting schedule. Expressing that I'll never see our daughter and son, even with a court order, doesn't align with effective co-parenting and neglects our child's best interests. Your anger about our relationship ending should not jeopardize my relationship with our children. I kindly request that you reconsider your approach to this matter to co-parent effectively."
Any misconduct that you have documented via email, text or a certified letter can be used as evidence in the court. It also means that you should refrain from using your cool.
If the other parent blatantly violates a court order and the breach is substantial, assess whether it's appropriate to contact the police.
However, resorting to police intervention should not be your initial course of action. For instance, if it's your designated parenting time, and despite your reasonable efforts, the other parent refuses to transfer the children, then contacting the police becomes a reasonable step in that situation. Additionally, making a formal police report may be advisable to comprehensively document the incident.
In cases where a parent consistently breaches the child custody order, contemplate whether your attorney should file a family law contempt action against the other parent.
Contempt actions possess quasi-criminal nature and may result in the parent found in contempt being directed to pay fines, fulfill community service obligations, or potentially face a jail sentence.
An amicable divorce can definitely be good in a scenario where kids are involved. Here are steps that husbands and wives can implement to reduce stress on the children before, during, and after a divorce:
Co-parenting entails effective communication and collaboration to jointly address week-to-week or month-to-month issues related to children, encompassing matters concerning their health, safety, education, and overall well-being. To enhance co-parenting abilities, parents should consider participating in co-parenting classes, reading relevant literature, and engaging in regular discussions to enhance their co-parenting relationship.
While the marriage may have ended, and divorce is a reality, neglecting the effort to become better co-parents is unwarranted. Failing to invest in this aspect is not only self-centered and imprudent but also conveys a message that the children's best interests are not a top priority.
Your choice of a divorce attorney holds significant weight. The most effective divorce lawyers possess the ability to analyze problems, provide solutions, and present reasonable options. If your motivation for hiring an attorney is to make the process as challenging as possible for your spouse, you are taking a step toward potential financial ruin or escalating your stress levels unnecessarily. Unless you have a penchant for both, it's essential to recognize when to engage in litigation and when to focus on resolution efforts. Opting for a lawyer experienced in both realms is the wise choice. Lawyers who excel in only one aspect may not be the best fit and might even exacerbate existing problems.
Frequently, parents, in their desire to make financial sacrifices for their children, unknowingly create unnecessary and serious mid- to long-term problems. Children often adapt more swiftly than adults, and parents might overestimate the challenges their children will face during life adjustments.
Divorce demands full participation, consuming a significant amount of your time. Some months will require dedicated effort to actively engage in the divorce process, which includes completing necessary paperwork, meeting with your attorney, and, when required, appearing in court. Therefore, a crucial aspect of planning for divorce is simplifying your life and being cautious of commitments that may hinder your ability to actively participate in the process.
Parenting shouldn't be bound by rigid and inflexible rules. This extends beyond co-parenting. Flexibility involves actively collaborating with the other parent to adjust parenting schedules when the situation warrants it. It also entails affording older children, particularly teenagers, the flexibility to navigate outside the confines of the court-ordered parenting schedule.
This article has ideally shed light on the considerations for planning a divorce with children. However, your journey isn't complet. Now, you're prepared for the subsequent steps. What comes next in your divorce planning process? The choice is yours. You can either opt for an amicable divorce that will not only reduce the overall cost and time but is in the best interest of your children. Or you can opt for a highly contested divorce that can hurt both parties finacially, emotionally and harm their children as well. The choice is yours!
Warning: This post is neither financial, health, legal, or personal advice nor a substitute for the advice offered by a professional. These are serious matters, and the help of a professional is recommended as it can impact your future.