Michael J. Peterson, Attorney

Behaviors and Attitudes of An Alienated Child

An alienated child is one who unreasonably rejects a parent, displaying extreme negative emotions and behaviors that are disproportionate to the parent's actions. Common behaviors include expressing persistent, disproportionate negative feelings, demonizing and vilifying the rejected parent, offering trivial justifications for their rejection, resisting parenting time or visitation, refusing contact even through virtual means, engaging in black-and-white thinking, idolizing the favored parent, participating in parental conflicts on the favored parent's side, maintaining constant contact with the favored parent, demanding the rejected parent to cease contact, citing frivolous reasons for avoiding parenting time, making threats of self-harm or suicide, fabricating false claims about the rejected parent, characterizing normal parental discipline as abusive, prioritizing extracurricular activities over time with the rejected parent, influencing younger siblings to adopt their perspective, engaging in hidden communications, and displaying defiance of household rules. Often, alienated children exhibit these behaviors without showing remorse, attempting to justify their treatment of the rejected parent by vilifying them.

 

Impact on A Child's Judgement

The question of whether a child's judgment and preferences can be influenced by parental alienation is explored in the context of legal decisions regarding custody and parenting time. Despite a child's age, even at 17, their preferences are not solely trusted as decision-makers in matters of custody. Courts consider a multitude of factors, and a child's preference is weighed along with other considerations. The older the child, the more their preference is generally considered, but it is not the sole determinant. In cases of parental alienation, where the child's judgment may be compromised, thorough exploration of the child's maturity, intelligence, ability to communicate their relationship with the favored parent before alienation, and the extent of their rejection of the other parent is necessary. Interviews with various individuals, including family members, doctors, therapists, and friends, may be conducted. If it is determined that alienation has compromised the child's judgment, the court or therapist should discount the importance of the child's preference and base decisions on other factors to determine the child's best interests.

 

How Do Alienating Parents Manipulate Their Children

There are several ways parents can manipulate their children to turn them against the other parent.

 

Bad Mouthing

An alienating parent, engaged in parental alienation, often exhibits various behaviors and attitudes that negatively impact the child's perception of the other parent. These behaviors include badmouthing and disparaging the other parent, causing fear in the child about the other parent through misinformation, referring to the target parent by their first name, withholding important information, failing to properly co-parent, involving the child in parental conflict, failing to facilitate a relationship with others who care for the child, failing to engage in constructive dispute resolution, not complying with court orders, overburdening the child with adult information, asking the child to spy or interrogate, undermining the authority of the non-favored parent, forcing the child to choose between parents, withdrawing love and affection as a form of manipulation, asking the child to keep secrets, referring to step-parents in parental terms, and limiting or interfering with contact, parent time, and communication with the other parent. Additionally, it's highlighted that alienation can be both overt and covert, with covert actions involving seemingly concerned behaviors that actually highlight the other parent's flaws. Examples include praying with the child about the other parent's perceived shortcomings or insisting on exchanges in locations that imply the other parent's lack of safety.

 

Misconception of Stating the Truth

In some cases, an alienating parent may believe they are simply sharing the "truth" about the negative aspects of the targeted parent with the child. They might not fully comprehend the emotional and developmental burden they impose on the child by discussing these negative aspects, even if they believe what they're saying is true. The alienating parent may argue that honesty is their defense, treating the child as if they were a little adult. However, this approach is problematic because the alienating parent doesn't necessarily possess the sole truth, and there is usually another side to the story. Even if the statements are true, sharing such negative information can still harm the child, as children are not typically exposed to all truths, especially those that may be emotionally distressing or developmentally inappropriate for their age.

 

Alienating parents, whether intentionally or unintentionally, can harm a child by creating loyalty conflicts. This occurs when the parent asks the child where they want to live, who they want to be with, or if they want contact with the other parent. These questions create a no-win situation for the child, who may feel pressured to side with the asking parent to avoid conflict. The child might choose the parent providing more care or material things, leading the alienating parent to reinforce this choice, making the child feel responsible for sticking to their initial statement. Another subtle form of alienation involves a parent seemingly distracted while the child talks negatively about the other parent. When the parent suddenly gives the child full attention, the child is emotionally rewarded, leading to potential exaggeration or embellishment of negative experiences. This can inadvertently lead to false or exaggerated claims, even in cases of abuse, as parents may not be trained in forensic interviews, and the child may feel compelled to maintain their story to avoid being labeled a liar. The emphasis here is on cases where no abuse has occurred, illustrating how false allegations can arise during parental alienation.

 

Interference in Parenting Time

Alienating and interfering parents employ various tactics to hinder parent-child time with the non-favored parent. They may straightforwardly refuse or ignore scheduled parent time, often justifying their actions by highlighting negative traits of the targeted parent. Another tactic involves influencing the child against the non-favored parent, subsequently claiming the child's reluctance as a defense. Despite claiming support, alienating parents create a comfortable environment in their home, enticing the child to spend time that should be with the targeted parent. Scheduling attractive activities during the non-favored parent's time is another ploy to induce rejection. Alienating parents may also engage in endless debates about the parent time schedule and use "tethering," maintaining constant contact with the child through various means during the non-favored parent's time, hindering the child's ability to fully connect with the targeted parent.

 

Common Misconceptions

Widespread misconceptions and myths about parental alienation contribute to distorted perspectives among judges, therapists, and guardians ad litem. Some go as far as calling it a "junk science".  Several prevalent ones include:

1. The misconception that alienated children thriving in various aspects of their lives require no interventions is not supported by research. Courts, influenced by the belief that a seemingly well-adjusted child does not need changes, might hesitate to intervene in cases of parental alienation.
2. Relying solely on therapy, including family therapy, is often believed to remedy parental alienation. However, traditional therapy can reinforce the child's negative feelings towards the non-favored parent, and the favored parent may manipulate the situation, hindering effective resolution.
3. Supervising or limiting the non-favored parent's visitation is viewed as a potential solution. However, such measures can empower the alienated child and favored parent to maintain negative narratives about the non-favored parent.
4. There's a misconception that separating the child from the favored parent will traumatize them. Research suggests this is a myth, as changing custody for severely alienated children doesn't result in documented harm or trauma.
5. The idea that an alienated child's preference, especially in their teens, should govern decisions is flawed. While a child's preference is considered in custody determinations, it shouldn't restrict the non-favored parent's court-ordered parent time.
6. The belief that courts cannot enforce parenting time against a rejecting child's wishes, especially if they are a teenager, is challenged by research. Children's protests tend to diminish when reunited with the rejected parent in the right way and when the alienating parent's influence is limited.
7. The assumption that a stern lecture from the judge will rectify interfering or alienating behavior is flawed. Judges' warnings may not induce real change in behavior, as true transformation requires consistent effort and willingness to change.

Parental alienation is a complex field, and many professionals, including therapists and guardians, often rely on their own experiences rather than evidence-based interventions. This can lead to harmful consequences for families and alienated children. Insufficiently trained clinicians may misinterpret an unhealthy parent-child relationship as a healthy bond, leading to misguided interventions. Traditional therapy, commonly recommended, has been found ineffective and sometimes harmful, reinforcing distorted views of the non-favored parent. Strategies like requiring empathy from the non-favored parent or imposing a "cooling off" period may unintentionally embolden the alienating parent and child. Ill-trained professionals' approaches may inadvertently support the goals of the alienating parent and perpetuate harmful behaviors. Additionally, private guardians ad litem often fail to ensure that therapists involved in potential alienation cases possess the necessary training and expertise.  

 

How to Prove Parental Alienation and Reclaim Your Co-parenting Rights?

Proving parental alienation and reclaiming co-parenting rights is a challenging process, but it can be achieved through strategic and well-documented efforts. Here's a step-by-step guide:

1. Document Incidents
   - Create a detailed chronology of events, documenting incidents where alienating behavior occurred. Include dates, events, and descriptions of the behavior. Use your text messages, emails, journals, social media, and memory to compile this chronology.

2. Quantify and Highlight
   - Quantify the frequency of incidents in your chronology (e.g., once a week, twice a month) rather than using vague terms like "rarely" or "frequently."
   - Highlight specific incidents that showcase a pattern of alienation.

3. Witness Interviews
   - Interview witnesses, such as grandparents, friends, or family members, who have observed similar behaviors. Record their statements in affidavits or declarations to strengthen your case.

4. Paper Discovery
   - Use legal tools like subpoenas, requests for admissions, interrogatories, and requests for production of documents for paper discovery.
   - Gather relevant records, such as bank records, criminal records, phone records, therapy records, and medical records, through subpoenas.

5. Depositions
   - Conduct depositions of the other party and, if necessary, their spouse. Depositions can last up to seven hours and provide an opportunity to ask questions under oath.
   - Ask questions that delve into the attitudes of the other parent, their beliefs about co-parenting, and their behavior.

6. Highlight Deposition Transcripts
   - Go through deposition transcripts and highlight relevant portions.
   - Incorporate the highlighted information into your chronology to present a comprehensive view during trial.

7. Expert Discovery
   - Engage forensic psychologists or therapists who can assess the child's relationship with each parent and provide opinions on parental fitness.
   - Ensure that the expert is provided with a thorough set of data, including the chronology and deposition transcripts.

8. Legal Representation
   - Seek the guidance of a family law attorney who specializes in parental alienation cases.
   - Work closely with your attorney to prepare evidence, plan strategies, and navigate legal proceedings.

9. Court Proceedings
   - Present your evidence in court during hearings or trial.
   - Emphasize the pattern of alienating behavior, the impact on the child, and your commitment to fostering a healthy co-parenting relationship.

10. Child's Best Interest
    - Demonstrate that your efforts are aligned with the child's best interest.
    - Request the court's intervention to ensure that the child has the opportunity to maintain a meaningful relationship with both parents.

Remember, proving parental alienation is a complex process, and having a skilled attorney by your side can significantly improve your chances of success. It's essential to remain focused on the child's well-being and demonstrate your commitment to fostering a healthy co-parenting environment.

Related:

• Parental Alienation in California
• Emotionally Abusive Co-parenting
• Co-parneting with a narcissist
• Co-parenting with a toxic ex
• Co-parenting Therapy

Warning:  This post is neither financial, health, legal, or personal advice nor a substitute for the advice offered by a professional. These are serious matters, and the help of a professional is recommended as it can impact your future.