Michael J. Peterson, Attorney Having a conflict with your co-parent or partner? - Start Neutral Mediation

The best co-parenting plan is mutually agreed upon by both parents. At a high level, it outlines the following:

• How much time children will spend with each parent and on what days? 
• Where would each child sleep and stay while in the custody of each parent?
• How major and minor decisions about children's education, extracurricular activities, and healthcare will be made?
• How parents will share co-parenting expenses that are in addition to the court-mandated child support?
• How parents will communicate and exchange information

 

Think of a co-parenting plan as your employer's company policy, that you are required to abide by to stay employed. Just like your company policy, you will have access to your children as long as you abide by the rules. It brings consistency to your children's life that is required for them to live happily and focus on their education, future, and health. It also allows you to build your new life around the plan.

 

One of the questions every new co-parent has on her/his mind is if the co-parenting plan can be modified down the road. The answer is yes, both parents can agree on modifying the plan if circumstances change.

 

What is the best parenting plan?

A lot of new co-parents wonder what would be the best parenting plan? There are plenty of templates that can be used to create a parenting plan. 

 

Childcare 

Having a good childcare plan is very important especially if both parents are working professionals or if they have 50/50 custody and one of the parents are working full time.

• Who will be providing the childcare? Will it be a daycare, a family member, a nanny, or a combination of them?
• Should grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, or family friends be allowed to take care of children? How about a stepparent or a live-in romantic partner?
• How much time each parent is required to spend with the child while they have custody?

 

Children's Books and Clothes

Children will need their school books and clothes at both houses. A plan must be in place on who they will be made available at each co-parent's home.

• Do children carry their bags with them to each parent's house?
• Can they leave clothes at each parent's home?
• Who will be responsible for cleaning them?
• What if they need to buy some stationery? Who will pay for it?

 

Custody Schedule 

Planning and agreeing upon when the children will spend time with which parent is also very important. In some cases, a judge may decide this for the co-parents based on the circumstances. In other cases, parents may mutually agree on the arrangement. It is even more important to have a reasonable custody schedule if one of the parents is in the armed forces or travels full time for business. At a minimum, the co-parenting plan should include the following:

Custody Type: 

• Full / Sole Custody without any visitation
• Full / Sole Custody with Visitation
• Joint Custody
• Summer Break Custody and Visitation
• Phone / Video Call Schedule
• Holidays
• Vacations

Custody Schedule:

• 50-50 Custody Schedule
• 55-45 Custody Schedule
• 60-40 Custody Schedule
• 65-35 Custody Schedule
• 70-30 Custody Schedule
• 75-25 Cusotdy Schedule
• 80-20 Custody Schedule
• 90-10 Custody Schedule
• Non-Custodial Parent Holiday Visitation Schedule
• Co-parenting Holiday Schedule

 

Daily Life 

For children who are infants or toddlers, it is very important to decide on what their daily routine should be and how their care should be done. The long list includes the following items:

• Baby Care Products - What type of products and their brands are within the affordability of both parents? When to change the food or baby formula?
• Baby Food / Formula - What baby food or formula to use? How many times a day? In what quantity?
• Diaper - What kind of diapers to use?
• How would you potty train the child?
• Should the pacifier or a walker be used?
• When should they go to the bed? Where should they sleep, with an adult or in their room?

 

Discipline 

Rewarding and punishing a child for their actions is important while upbringing them. However, while co-parenting there is a thin line between abuse and corrective action. For example, it may be ok in your local jurisdiction to use the physical punishment but your co-parent may consider it abuse. Similarly, the line between rewarding and spoiling can be blurry too. One parent who is better off than the other might be able to afford expensive toys. However, the other parent may see it as the child being spoiled and influenced against them. Writing down what is acceptable and what is not in a parenting plan is very important as it will affect a child's behavior in both homes.

 

Education  

Children's education starting from pre-school to college is an important decision for co-parents. Some states even require co-parents to set up plans to fund their children's college education. Depending on your jurisdiction, you may be required to document the following:

• Which pre-school to attend?
• Which kindergarten to attend?
• Which K-12 schools?
• Public or Private school?
• If a Private school then prep school or a religious school?
• How to fund college?
• How would children receive guidance during their academic journey?
• Would they need private tutoring? If yes, who will pay for it? If both parents then how much?

 

Extended Family 

Extended family members are a fabric of any family. However, one of the co-parents may not like the other's relatives due to various reasons including personal biases. It is always a good idea to sort out the following:

• Should children be allowed to meet all extended family members during each parent's custody time?
• Are there any relatives, children should not be allowed to meet?
• Can children be supervised by extended family members?
• Can extended family members attend birthdays and graduations?

 

Extracurricular Activities 

Almost every child wants to participate in extracurricular activities. The cost of extracurricular activities is not covered by child support. Instead, both parents are responsible for it. However, if one parent's finances do not allow them to pay for these activities then the other one may volunteer to pay for them. However, an agreement is required on the following by both parents:

• What type of activities to participate in? These may include arts, clubs, music, social, sports, religions, and travel.
• Who is going to pay for the activities?
• If both parents are responsible then who is going to pay what percentage?
• What if one parent cannot afford it? How would the other parent pay for it?
• Who will be taking the children to these activities and how? Will both parents be taking turns?
• If one parent is going to pay for it and the other one will be driving the children to these activities, would the paying parent also reimburse the transportation costs? 
• Can both parents be present to watch their child participating in these activities?

 

Geographic Restrictions  

If both parents are going to have shared custody then they may need an agreement on how far apart they can live so that each parent has equal access to children. Based on the agreement they can decide what school children can attend so that both can conveniently drop off and pick them up. 

 

Healthcare  

Healthcare is another important topic both parents will have to agree upon. They will have to decide on the following:

• Who will be the children's primary care provider?
• Do they need special care? If yes, then who would be the provider?
• Will both or only one parent will be present at a doctor's appointment? If yes, then who? 
• How would you manage the medical records?
• What would you do when your child is sick? 
• How would you inform the other parent about the child's sickness?
• How will you dispense medicine to the child?
• How will keep track of all the allergies and medicines?
• Whose health insurance will cover the healthcare?
• How will you split medical co-payments? 
• What if one of the parents falls sick? Would the other take care of the kids so that kids don't fall sick as well?
• Who would be the guardian, if neither of the parents can take the child for a health care visit?

 

New Romantic Partner  

After your divorce or separation most likely you are going to meet a new romantic partner. While it is a natural thing to happen, your co-parent may have objections to a new person entering your children's life. While they cannot control whom you see and when you see they may try putting some rules around it. For the sake of your children's safety, you might expect the same from them too. There are a few things that you may need to determine together:

• When should each co-parent introduce their new partner to your children?
• What each co-parent should tell their partner about the parenting agreement?
• Should the new partner(s) be involved in making decisions for your children?
• What will your children call when referring to the stepparent e.g. first name, mom/dad, or stepmom/stepdad? 
• Should they also be allowed at your children's activities when both of you are present there?

 

Overnight Stays 

When children are spending a night at the custodian or a non-custodial parent's house what are the applicable rules?

• Should children get a bath before bed or in the morning?
• Should the co-parent read a children's book to them before bed?
• Will children sleep alone on separate beds, or with one of the adults? If an adult, then can this adult be trusted?
• If an infant or a toddler, will they have a crib or a bed?  

 

Religion 

More and more families are multi-cultural and multi-religious. In other cases, while the faith is the same one parent may be more religious than the other. This raises several questions about children's upbringing.  

Each parent may feel that their children must be raised in their faith. In this case, both parents will need to decide:

• Will the children be raised in one faith, both faiths, or no religion at all?
• Will their religious value be affected by their parent's new partner?
• Will there be any dietary restrictions for the children?
• If children are following one or more faiths, will specific days need to be incorporated into the parenting plan?
• What religious activities/practices children cannot perform - especially if it requires them to physically harm themselves.
• Can children stay overnight at a religious institution? If yes, then with whom?

 

Special Needs 

Special needs children need extra care provided by licensed professionals. This may be autism, a learning disability, or some other health issue. If you have a child who has special needs special care you may need to document the following:

• What type of special needs does your child have?
• Who needs to attend the appointments? Both parents or only the custodial parent?
• How will those special needs management at each parent's home?
• Who will be providing the care?
• How the care will be affected if you have a new romantic partner?
• Who will be funding the care? If both parents the what will be their share of the responsibility.

 

Travel 

If one parent decides to travel with children out of state, it can create a sense of insecurity for the other as they may feel that the first parent can disappear with their children. It is a good idea to hash out travel arrangements in a co-parenting plan. 

• Will co-parents need to approve a child's travel out of country or state to go on a vacation or visit extended family?  
• Will both parents need to sign the passport application and visa application for their children?
• How would the non-traveling parent stay in touch with children while they are traveling?

 

Transportation

A transportation plan, especially for kids who can drive or ride a bus is required.

• Are children allowed to ride a bus on their own? If yes, are there any distance restrictions?
• Are children allowed to drive? If yes, whose insurance will be covering them? If a car was bought for a child, who will pay for it and its insurance.
• If your teen needs a driver's license, then who will teach them to drive?

 

While this article offers some detailed tips, only the co-parents can determine what is best for their children. The plan should be flexible and updated as needed. To track your shared expenses you can use Cent.

 

Related:

• Parenting Plan Modifications
• Joint Custody Schedules
• Co-parent Communication
• Co-parenting and Financial Responsibilities
• Co-parenting with Reasonable Expectations

 

Warning:  This post is neither financial, health, legal, or personal advice nor a substitute for the advice offered by a professional. These are serious matters, and the help of a professional is recommended as it can impact your future.